10th February

If I go back in time and try to find out how much I have changed and what is it that I am doing differently; it'll be difficult to find any change. It's because we are an outcome of infinite little variables and when you go high enough, you realize that most of these are not in your control. This very moment yet believably disjointed, carrying no past and future is basically a sum of whatever you have gone through yet and is soon going to become a part of whatever it is that you will go through next.
Ha!! enough with this already, Sneha is getting married 19th of Feb, huh big deal. I wanted to give her a surprise gift of some sort. now that plan is definitely going down the drain. I'll plan something.
I did watch that play and boy it was awesome. I need to keep a lookout for these; 14th of Feb there's book fair starting and I ain't gonna miss it for anything in this world. That's like going to be my heaven destination for the entire Feb for sure. Job is going fine for now; I have started trying hard and utilizing my time efficiently. I mean what's the harm; while I am at it, why shouldn't I give my 100% and meanwhile enjoy the learning I am going to get. Hopefully everything will pan out alright I guess it always does so no harm.
Bye Bye
Good Night

22 January
Hi my love; life is a grand mystery; I have given up any  hopes of finding out what it means?
I think it will come to me eventually; largely it's a test; and the best I can do is be ready for it. How something innocent can give you jilts; that's is just beyond me.
One needs to make effort to make his life better; I always remember Gulzar sahab's schedule. He still practices his art by the same schedule that he used to follow in his earlier days; same is with Amol Palekar also. It's all about finding out what excites you; what suits you and rest everything will fall in its place. See I know my strengths and weakness. I know what excites me and in the end I want to lead a peaceful life; where I get to do things with my bare hands, teach people, be with my family. Travel and write all excites me equally.
I should plan my days and keep a tight watch on how I end up spending my time. I am capable of sticking up with a plan with necessary motivation. See I know there's no such thing as absolute right and wrong; but in the end what matters is not what you're inside but but what you do. So even if I have the nicest of intentions if I end up doing harm; that's bad. I should steer clear of any such act which is like this. I am bad ass enough already with the kind of slacking that I am capable of no one else can convince me otherwise. Badassery is that you decide on something and get it done.
Like getting an article of yours in open letter column in Hindu; find out what it takes, work on it and give your 100%. See then the result of your work.
Plus I promise I will be in Akshara Theatre 24th night watching that bloody play. Now that's what we call life. I will have finished Sooni Ghati Ka Sooraj by then I guess. See boy life is hard, and every one has it hard one way or the other. You are not alone and at the same time no one is with you. Work towards your passion; Premier Padmini is waiting boy. God throw a Parsi at me; I might convince him to give me his car pLeaseeeee  :')

27th December
The day we watched Pk, wonderful movie with a too preachy message, it's well understood that we are being scammed by Babas and so called God's managers, but to a very large extent we are responsible ourselves, we know but we fail to realize our part in all this. More often than not people going to these fake Babas are desperate and don't see a usual way out of their misery. And I feel our helplessness in matters related to our own destiny and that of our close ones drive us to these nuts in the first place. We fail to realize that solutions to all our problems are within ourselves,
 I have planned to take a few things seriously in life, I want to believe this line yes! My passion for books, my desire to overhaul and customize a premiere padmini and my job. Not necessarily in that order as it doesn't matter. Everything else other than this is bound to hurt me, and for something I desire so strongly can't be mine if I am not serious for these things in my life. Rest all will be taken care by someone, and I know who's that special someone. Me ! who else (eh)

22 December
To convince dad, about Premier Padmini is bloody difficult, but if I could, boy, that will be the second most awesome thing that I had ever done. But the idea is to convince him, maybe not right away, but piece by piece. Like if we start looking now and try to figure out the its and bits of everything involved, that will be great. I don't need to get hyper and all and start pushing to purchase one right away. What will be a good strategy is to get him excited first about the idea, that it will be something awesome and he too would love doing it with me.
I had a fairly okay day in office; I am crazy sometimes, see the things that excite me, mousami ka juice from bhaiya, an evening coffee at CCD alone, with a bunch of case studies to read. Boy I do get the kicks out of little things in life. I forgot to ask Summit about my idea of actually writing him a letter, I have no idea how will he take it? What I could do is ask for his feedback upfront or send him one and then tell him to be on the lookout for it. It's a fantastic idea any ways, I should keep these ideas coming. 

21 December

What I often fail to realize is that she's on my side. She would love to see me succeed. She would be disappointed if I don't come out good. I know my life shouldn't revolve around that, it's not. But if I ever fail to achieve the goals I set out for me, she won't be responsible ever. You know I always dreamt something like this. I got it now and I am just letting it go. I am a plain simple guy who was in love with a plain and simple girl. She didn't fell for me. This is a fact, there could be infinite number of reasons and even more number of explanations, but they don't matter. What should matter is am I moving the way I would want myself to move, and the ideas that I can still do this and that, They are not negative ideas, but I should realise that there is a big chance that I might never see her in my life again. Now I can stop everything and go after her, stalk her, and maybe try to convince her into loving me back, But is that a solution, no, it ain't. What I did learn was that I am not perfect, and I have to improve a great deal before I get close to being one. One way is to be someone she would have wanted her guy to be. What happens if I don't get her, it isn't a big deal. But for that to happen I have to become something that she would love. If it never happens, at least I'll have a story to tell my grand kids. My daughter, that your daddy loved a girl. Now a grand gift that can be given to her is to become something successful, yeah a university teacher, as a matter of fact a really good one is a great option. At least she would be proud of her 2-3 months, she won't regret and would never feel guilty. I mean do it for her, if that motivates you.
My thoughts should begin translating into action because that's ultimately important. Books have been a great friend of mine my entire life, I should never lose them. Then my coffee deal hasn't worked out a great deal yet, any ways meeting new people is good thing, you should never lose that connection. Worst thing I can do is close my self and go back to my shell. It isn't going to work this time. Real world is a lot tougher and requires you to be at your prime to let you and your loved ones get the best of it. Plus exercising is important, never lose it. Find your passion, give your job a 100% and never have any qualms for what you could achieve and what you didn't had you worked hard. Don't leave any space for that.

18 December 2014

I went to CCD in Daryaganj, sat there for an hour or so, reading a report on e-commerce, it was on things to consider before taking your business online. Had a good ambience, was good for a change, atleast if I am bored I can switch places and  go and read somewhere else it was a nice experience. I should totally do this more often.
I think that deep down I am a big believer, When I cross through those historical monuments, I wish to spend my day exploring those places, getting to know, the heritage we have and how we as a city evolved to where we are today. And many a times it's just a longing to share all the nice things that come to my mind with someone. It's said that how we are constantly surrounded by people and how technology has made us connected and networked. But the thing with this is that it never helps, you never use it for that purpose. I have never told anyone about some awesome feeling I had over technology, it kills the fun, I don't want to make that feeling a trivial instance, more often I like to preserve it, so it can be shared at an apt moment, when that someone is around you or somehow in a better way.
Niceness, boy it gives me goosebumps, It's just a new feeling, rejuvenating, to have that in you. And specially with everyone so busy. Each one of us is in a mess somehow, now when you're in that mess a harmless soul can do wonders, you just have to politely whisper in their ears something good. Tell them, that they are awesome and if they hang in there, things will fall in place.
However in return, nothing ought to be expected, not even a little thank you. Haa I am joking a harmless thank you never fails to bright your day. I mean a smile on someone's face because of you is a marvellous achievement in itself.
Work is going nice, I have my share of ups and downs, Now is the time to realize that things should start to materialize in some solid form. A plan is coming up, I am waiting for some big break through kind of a thing. Well let's hope I keep working sincerely and my efforts prove fruitful.

17 December 2014

If I reflect deeply it's going good, I have ups and downs daily, sometimes I feel so frail as if everyone could see how weak I am from inside. I awkwardly try to get in contact sometimes and fail to realize that another individual might get wrong ideas. But that's any ways me, it can't be helped. If I work sincerely I do get a lot of enthusiasm, it's just about hanging in there. Sometimes I feel If I could just run away and disappear for a good 2-3 weeks. I would love to go on a cheap road trip, to some place nice. It need not be flashy and all, though it must be free from all the usual clutter I see in Delhi. Though I wouldn't mind seeing a new kind of clutter at some place new. But yeah the feeling of going some place where no one knows you, you are on your own is refreshing.

16 December 2014

132 innocent kids died today; I wish I could share the pain their families are suffering now.
There is so much indifference in this world, why would you take their lives. What had they done?
I might never realise what makes a guy fanatic that he is blinded by the rage his beliefs hold. I wonder the difference in pain, I feel down a lot of time nowadays, it's because of that heartbreak, but what I realized today is how tiny my wallowing was to the suffering those kids went through and their maa and paa are going through.
What is true love?
After you lose it, you realise how beautiful it was.
A man's sweat and his eyes after seeing his little daughter sleeping soundly in the comforts of the home that he has worked hard to make, ohh beauty of it is what I realize today.
Boy Genuine Hard Work and sincerity in your efforts. That's it!!!

15 December
You can't have everything perfect, there's bound to be a missing link, I cannot have the carefree attitude in my work and expect to work in a big corporate building, with friends around. These two are mutually exclusive, what I get at Daryaganj is freedom to explore myself, I can't get that anywhere else.
But with great power comes great responsibilities, I have to have self discipline here, find work and keep my self engrossed in one thing or other and it's not that difficult actually. But then the debate moves on to smart work and hard work. You cannot get smart with out hard work. So slogging is going to be there anyhow, it's you who is going to prioritize and make amendments. These little things in long run will make all the difference.
Sometimes to get rid of the uneasy things in life, forget is a good option, I should try that, it never means that positive things will not be cherished it's only the way to keep clear of negativity and how many people have achieved that, very few. I think I am unfortunate, behad badkismat shayad duniya ka sabse badkismat insaan. But the thing is, rewards are not hard, even a simple good night message with most genuine of intentions can light your entire dull day. Goodwill never goes in waste, maybe with enough goodwill around I will force their god to look at me, give me mercy and grant me what I believe is rightfully mine. Ahan ;)

14 December 2014

Some lives are meant to roam around politely, I suddenly remember how important it used to be in childhood to draw borders with black sketch pens. I just knew without that, it was never complete. I am a very fragile soul, I do know that. In between I worry about how do I intend to live my life, I am living my life but everyday I see something, find some new revelation. The justification should be yours, can you justify your actions, how would you ponder and reflect about what you did today, tomorrow, a little more mature and bound to forgive yourself.

I find it hard to listen the sound of silence, the sound just after this song stops, it's a clear indication that I am running away from myself, I am trying to look for answers everywhere, I feel they come to me daily in flashes. Could that graffiti on red fort wall near Digambar Jain Mandir be an answer?
It's indeed true, the harshness, the bitter pill is your actions, what you have achieved, what you have become but with me the difficulty is a higher moral justification of my actions, The constant bickering in my head, oh boy how much I hate my inaction, couldn't I be more active, more passionate, more caring. But who's lucky? I am a fool to limit myself. I ask myself, is my character weak, don't I lack the resilience to fight back and win. Why do I believe that this phase will never end, it'll never get better, but do I really do the effort, do I deserve my chance?

I tell you what I want to become, I don't want to achieve something, I don't, seriously, All I want is sincereness in my efforts, if I genuinely desire something, than I should be passionate enough to work for that, get that in my life, make it my destiny.

12 December

I am lucky; I have the right stars yeah sometimes they do spiral out of control and an imminent danger of a black hole eating my luck is ever existent. I do operate on a borderline; I take snappy decisions; but if ever I had a chance to live again I would live exactly the same way I had done so far.... would I? I don't know

You should be confident, the fear of being seen, thought about, criticized should be absent in my formative years. It's my this effort that will make my life worth remembering. I do realise the potential a simple life holds and how big a difference it can make to things around you.

I love the way I am engrossed in my work nowadays, quoting for these tenders has been a really good experience, I need to prepare an elegant ppt for Gurpreet; he'll be happy to get an introduction of those compressors from me.  the first thing next week is to prepare that ppt and share it with him.

Lovely episode the way zaroon proposed almost gave me new ideas; but I should realise my age is not right and there is no point in pointlessly trying; I should give it some time, and if I feel after an year or so that this is what I want maybe I can try, but before that I need a lot of personal grooming; both on professional as well as personal front.

11 December

I have always had problems with self control, I sometimes wonder what is an apt apology; are words enough. More often than not I think it wouldn't matter in long run, but where does it put you?

I sometimes wonder if I could adopt a baby girl and raise her; I would be a total hip dad; she would be freaking awesome. Is this a deep passion or just my apology.

I like giving my job a 100% effort, I am getting a hang of it, if it's like this I keep getting new challenges that's great any ways.

                                        'Maang Liya zindagi se Zyaada, Chin Gaya woh jisne kiya wada'

I need to give my cousin a gift for her wedding; she's too excited to care though any ways, I sometimes think gifts could buy you love and appreciation but do they really. Well I have no clue whatsoever as to what can I gift her. I will probably save some money this month and then maybe gift her after deciding onto something. This will take heck of a planning.

Zaroon finally fell in love with Kashaf; it's not real and Kashaf is too idealistic sometimes; I wonder if she had chosen Osama; what would  fate had in store for Zaroon then. Is it real life too... what if you get a second chance with someone that got away. You don't!!!

9 December

I am terribly awkward socially, and sometimes I feel that I don't even put an effort to change, the least I can do is blend into surroundings, Well guess what if it didn't come naturally than you have to make an effort. Sometimes I feel that I just don't get it; unlike most of us I just get it later; the feeling the thing; this idea of achieving something and going somewhere in life. I find myself at similar cross roads then and again in life, it looks crystal clear for few days and then this medley of social gatherings, huge expectations simply slouches me. I wish I had the strength to stay strong, maybe it's how it's supposed to be. I just don't get it sometimes. The feeling of loneliness in a crowd is strange and sometimes frightens me. Am I like Adnan; that poor chap; he's nice and all but what others say about him... Sometimes I feel exactly the same, Other times it's this idea that this world is wrong for me; I don't belong to somewhere surrounded by a loads of people. Should I seriously consider something else, but is it a strong passion or a mere fancy to escape from uncomfortable situations, I don't know. But what if I don't want to be like them or is it the certainty on my part that I can never be like them.
Well I do need to look for inspirations, more constructive hobbies and my constant struggle for a beautiful life. I want to go to a post graduate college; but why? What I should I do is be strong here, play it their rules, work my way up and defeat them at their own game. And then maybe once you have changed; you can leave it all. At least you'll have the strength to say you did and you couldn't do it any other way for everything in this world.

7 December
I often wonder what's a good life?

I definitely practice the principle of Kam Khao and Gum Khao; Gluttony is a vice a serious one as a matter of fact, and I often ponder as to how I am able to keep it under control. I might be genetically equipped to handle my hunger, however it doesn't mean I don't like the idea of good food. But the real deal behind is the very act of belching and good food being the purpose of your day.

It's never the finished product; it's the polishing that is fascinating, and I remember how Gulzar sahab in one of his interviews highlighted that he has a strict schedule and his art is an outcome of that tight schedule he has been following his entire life. I don't think that he would want his art to be so fine without the hard work he has put in behind it. It's equally important and fun; I realise the importance of efforts I put in towards my success it's the efforts that make it all the more cheesy and wonderful.

6 December

What're the best memories of this week;

I remember one being watching Zindagi Gulzar hai after a hard day's work, other being that cofee I drank alone in CCD, I also remember talking to couple of friends and feeling happy, couple of songs I listened to; they were awesome too; That feeling of finally deciding to learn Guitar was nice too; I remember today talking to one of my clients and kind of what I said sounded awesome. That was pretty nice too. I had to search a couple of catalogues and talk to Kashyap to get that enquiry that feeling was awesome of doing something worthwhile kind of building a business.

Sarthak got his call for interview in UPSC, good one really. I want to achieve things too; but the very idea of what to do in future in clouded and I rarely stick to my plans. I need to work hard for a seat in FMS, maybe two years of studies will give me a boat to cross this thunderous sea of uncertainty. I do know that I like the feeling of doing something new and worthwhile, As long as you enjoy every moment of your life it's fine; It is a rare gift should never be wasted. Specially doing something that you regret the very next moment you have done it. Live it the highway. Do it for your mom; live it for her; she would love to see you happy ;)

5 December

Another day wasted or is it a lesson? I have failed a lot, done terrible things and hurt people the closest to me? How do I do it? How do I top myself, Am I the worst person ever to live on this planet.... I don't care simply, Can I be selfless, truly selfless, I wish I can prove it. That I am not shallow, I can care, I can love and help. I don't know where I am going or am I so rigid that I am not going anywhere, I wish I could change, everyone could change.

I fail miserably at my initiatives, is that it, the breaking point that I have never seen, 2 days and that's it.. I wish I had more strength. Tomorrow will be a new morning but the efforts start right now. Is is really this difficult for everyone.

I wish it was easy; there should have been rules atleast, to guide you and tell you this is the way, I make my own rules and break them. I dont care what I will be but I do want to know who I will be, give me a hint, will I get good, will that change take place.... I should stick to this plan, I should forget, I should help, I should work hard, smart, socialise and drink lot of tea..... 

4th December

How long it takes? You never know; I don't know, Why is it what's the exact way, and am I allowed to stray, what's straying? How can you be sure of an answer, I think if you don't regret the decision taken today then maybe, but this judgement is flawed, I don't know my tomorrow; How do you stop your impulses? Those fraction of a seconds where you do something and then start a chain of possibly even worse things. Why do I feel that I lack moral resilience, am I not ill equipped; is it all about self control, are we all ill equipped to fall pray to our shortcomings?

If it's about practice and self believe, I tell you it's hard but it's worth it? Only time can tell....

My shortcomings! Is a possible desire to share something with someone a sin?; no it isn't, A lot of talk of time utilization is gibberish; it's about you, your desire to get what you want out of life. I don't think uncertainty about what life has in package for you is a bad thing, being unaware of what you want is equally good. It should be about living it the grand way, living it for people close to you!

And be a source of constant positive energy, even when you are drained, you should never let it appear that your battery has run dry, maybe it can light someone's fused bulb; magically yet. 

3 December

Yeah the single coffee day, a cappuccino with two steamy chocolates, it was nice. You should go often and have a single coffee evening. Kind of sets your priorities right, plus being alone and yet in a crowd is a different feeling, you realize the importance of your actions and character, like a mirror, you see your reflections, reflections of a better you or a hint of yourself in everyone around you.

I sometimes feel if I had unlimited time and capacity, maybe then I could reach out to everyone who needs a soul to rest his shoulders while he or she is crying but no one comes, no one ever does. Though you can always start with the ones around you, what's the purpose of carrying a diya around the world, voraciously preaching the ideas of good living, when one falters at the very first step of enlightening his own soul and body. The drive to improve this world should start from yourself. And both are one and the same thing, surroundings and you; you and surroundings are one and the same thing. It's your inner thoughts that reflect on your view of the outside.

I wonder if there are girls like Kashaf; She's a hothead. Zaroon is equally egoist but at least there is money that drives that charm but with Kashaf it's altogether different, she is independent, hard willed and carries a strong character in true sense of its meaning.

Sometimes I start to doubt my intentions, as to why should I do it; or if it's because I have ulterior motives; isn't the realisation of a potential of presence of such thought absolves me of my consciousness and self righteousness. 

2 December

Becoming good at something takes time, you can not become an entirely different individual overnight, it's a slow process, constant hard work is the key. I mean many a times I have heard the importance of Journey and big talk about the journey being the ultimate destination, it's actually true. The sleep you get after a day's hard work and meaningful attempts at making your life, life of people around you better is the actual happiness.
I couldn't land a coffee today, but had a nice talk with a couple of friends, Sarthak is a good guy; the way he's taken his mother's death... hats off, I feel frightened as to what might become of me, if I had to go through same trauma.
I have a sudden desire to learn a musical instrument, preferably guitar, I think it'll be a nice hobby and really the magic of strumming my fingers and actually producing music is fascinating. I hope I get something positive done in this front soon.
I find it hard to accept the way some of us choose to spend our lives, the words that we choose to speak and above all the harshness and derogatory attitude some of us show to our friends and colleagues, I feel each word should be carefully chosen, I get torn whenever I hear something derogatory to woman, it's personal I guess. I just don't like the idea, they are very nice, some of the woman that I have been around in my life have been the nicest beings known to me. I wish I can repay my mom the love I receive but it's never enough.

1 December

Hum Na Samjhe Theeeye..... Baat itni siii....... Khwaab hain shishe keee.......Duniyaaaa Patthar kiii.....

                                                                                                 A song from movie Gardish

Everyone should have a purpose, I should have a purpose.

It's an exercise I stumbled on youtube

Who are You?
I am Manish

What do you do?
I can teach you kind of each and every subject that I studied till 12th (bar chemistry), I can tell you  a 100 reasons as to why I like J.D. Salinger, I have a reasonably high aptitude,  and liberal understanding of the world around me. I get sad for every second sad thing I see around me. I can give you a good suggestion in case you are looking for just the right movie to watch for whichever mood you are in. I am a borderline bearable writer (Am I?). I work in an Air Conditioning Company, currently employed as a Graduate Trainee, I find my job challenging and want to master it.

Who do you do it for?
I do it for my mom, dad, younger brother, and hopefully an adopted daughter that I so hard need to convince my mom for.

There is more to this exercise that'll follow,

Zindagi Gulzar hai is somehow behind this initiative of journal keeping, Zaroon and Kashaf are a fun pair to watch, I do love the urdu vocab, very rarely you see people as committed as they are to the work they do and the values they carry.
I dropped a message to couple of my friends, I sometimes get this passionate desire to go out for a coffee, sit around with someone, find out what's bothering him/her make a connection of some sort.
But then this is a long term exercise, I'll update about the moment I land a coffee date with someone, Preferably Sarthak, that guy's an inspiration now, I wish if I could share his pain and comfort him, I don't know how it's supposed to make you feel, losing your mother, I wonder what it's like? She is so much around, she's like my quilt in winters, I just fail to realize the warm energy she maintains around me. Right now she's the only one I hold on to, my precious stone,