9 December

I am terribly awkward socially, and sometimes I feel that I don't even put an effort to change, the least I can do is blend into surroundings, Well guess what if it didn't come naturally than you have to make an effort. Sometimes I feel that I just don't get it; unlike most of us I just get it later; the feeling the thing; this idea of achieving something and going somewhere in life. I find myself at similar cross roads then and again in life, it looks crystal clear for few days and then this medley of social gatherings, huge expectations simply slouches me. I wish I had the strength to stay strong, maybe it's how it's supposed to be. I just don't get it sometimes. The feeling of loneliness in a crowd is strange and sometimes frightens me. Am I like Adnan; that poor chap; he's nice and all but what others say about him... Sometimes I feel exactly the same, Other times it's this idea that this world is wrong for me; I don't belong to somewhere surrounded by a loads of people. Should I seriously consider something else, but is it a strong passion or a mere fancy to escape from uncomfortable situations, I don't know. But what if I don't want to be like them or is it the certainty on my part that I can never be like them.
Well I do need to look for inspirations, more constructive hobbies and my constant struggle for a beautiful life. I want to go to a post graduate college; but why? What I should I do is be strong here, play it their rules, work my way up and defeat them at their own game. And then maybe once you have changed; you can leave it all. At least you'll have the strength to say you did and you couldn't do it any other way for everything in this world.

7 December
I often wonder what's a good life?

I definitely practice the principle of Kam Khao and Gum Khao; Gluttony is a vice a serious one as a matter of fact, and I often ponder as to how I am able to keep it under control. I might be genetically equipped to handle my hunger, however it doesn't mean I don't like the idea of good food. But the real deal behind is the very act of belching and good food being the purpose of your day.

It's never the finished product; it's the polishing that is fascinating, and I remember how Gulzar sahab in one of his interviews highlighted that he has a strict schedule and his art is an outcome of that tight schedule he has been following his entire life. I don't think that he would want his art to be so fine without the hard work he has put in behind it. It's equally important and fun; I realise the importance of efforts I put in towards my success it's the efforts that make it all the more cheesy and wonderful.

6 December

What're the best memories of this week;

I remember one being watching Zindagi Gulzar hai after a hard day's work, other being that cofee I drank alone in CCD, I also remember talking to couple of friends and feeling happy, couple of songs I listened to; they were awesome too; That feeling of finally deciding to learn Guitar was nice too; I remember today talking to one of my clients and kind of what I said sounded awesome. That was pretty nice too. I had to search a couple of catalogues and talk to Kashyap to get that enquiry that feeling was awesome of doing something worthwhile kind of building a business.

Sarthak got his call for interview in UPSC, good one really. I want to achieve things too; but the very idea of what to do in future in clouded and I rarely stick to my plans. I need to work hard for a seat in FMS, maybe two years of studies will give me a boat to cross this thunderous sea of uncertainty. I do know that I like the feeling of doing something new and worthwhile, As long as you enjoy every moment of your life it's fine; It is a rare gift should never be wasted. Specially doing something that you regret the very next moment you have done it. Live it the highway. Do it for your mom; live it for her; she would love to see you happy ;)

5 December

Another day wasted or is it a lesson? I have failed a lot, done terrible things and hurt people the closest to me? How do I do it? How do I top myself, Am I the worst person ever to live on this planet.... I don't care simply, Can I be selfless, truly selfless, I wish I can prove it. That I am not shallow, I can care, I can love and help. I don't know where I am going or am I so rigid that I am not going anywhere, I wish I could change, everyone could change.

I fail miserably at my initiatives, is that it, the breaking point that I have never seen, 2 days and that's it.. I wish I had more strength. Tomorrow will be a new morning but the efforts start right now. Is is really this difficult for everyone.

I wish it was easy; there should have been rules atleast, to guide you and tell you this is the way, I make my own rules and break them. I dont care what I will be but I do want to know who I will be, give me a hint, will I get good, will that change take place.... I should stick to this plan, I should forget, I should help, I should work hard, smart, socialise and drink lot of tea..... 

4th December

How long it takes? You never know; I don't know, Why is it what's the exact way, and am I allowed to stray, what's straying? How can you be sure of an answer, I think if you don't regret the decision taken today then maybe, but this judgement is flawed, I don't know my tomorrow; How do you stop your impulses? Those fraction of a seconds where you do something and then start a chain of possibly even worse things. Why do I feel that I lack moral resilience, am I not ill equipped; is it all about self control, are we all ill equipped to fall pray to our shortcomings?

If it's about practice and self believe, I tell you it's hard but it's worth it? Only time can tell....

My shortcomings! Is a possible desire to share something with someone a sin?; no it isn't, A lot of talk of time utilization is gibberish; it's about you, your desire to get what you want out of life. I don't think uncertainty about what life has in package for you is a bad thing, being unaware of what you want is equally good. It should be about living it the grand way, living it for people close to you!

And be a source of constant positive energy, even when you are drained, you should never let it appear that your battery has run dry, maybe it can light someone's fused bulb; magically yet. 

3 December

Yeah the single coffee day, a cappuccino with two steamy chocolates, it was nice. You should go often and have a single coffee evening. Kind of sets your priorities right, plus being alone and yet in a crowd is a different feeling, you realize the importance of your actions and character, like a mirror, you see your reflections, reflections of a better you or a hint of yourself in everyone around you.

I sometimes feel if I had unlimited time and capacity, maybe then I could reach out to everyone who needs a soul to rest his shoulders while he or she is crying but no one comes, no one ever does. Though you can always start with the ones around you, what's the purpose of carrying a diya around the world, voraciously preaching the ideas of good living, when one falters at the very first step of enlightening his own soul and body. The drive to improve this world should start from yourself. And both are one and the same thing, surroundings and you; you and surroundings are one and the same thing. It's your inner thoughts that reflect on your view of the outside.

I wonder if there are girls like Kashaf; She's a hothead. Zaroon is equally egoist but at least there is money that drives that charm but with Kashaf it's altogether different, she is independent, hard willed and carries a strong character in true sense of its meaning.

Sometimes I start to doubt my intentions, as to why should I do it; or if it's because I have ulterior motives; isn't the realisation of a potential of presence of such thought absolves me of my consciousness and self righteousness. 

2 December

Becoming good at something takes time, you can not become an entirely different individual overnight, it's a slow process, constant hard work is the key. I mean many a times I have heard the importance of Journey and big talk about the journey being the ultimate destination, it's actually true. The sleep you get after a day's hard work and meaningful attempts at making your life, life of people around you better is the actual happiness.
I couldn't land a coffee today, but had a nice talk with a couple of friends, Sarthak is a good guy; the way he's taken his mother's death... hats off, I feel frightened as to what might become of me, if I had to go through same trauma.
I have a sudden desire to learn a musical instrument, preferably guitar, I think it'll be a nice hobby and really the magic of strumming my fingers and actually producing music is fascinating. I hope I get something positive done in this front soon.
I find it hard to accept the way some of us choose to spend our lives, the words that we choose to speak and above all the harshness and derogatory attitude some of us show to our friends and colleagues, I feel each word should be carefully chosen, I get torn whenever I hear something derogatory to woman, it's personal I guess. I just don't like the idea, they are very nice, some of the woman that I have been around in my life have been the nicest beings known to me. I wish I can repay my mom the love I receive but it's never enough.